我这几天好像把我旧的照片全部整理完了。我也哭了很久。我最早的照片2005就开始拍了。好多很伤心的记忆在里面。我小时候三岁，那是还在中国呢，第一次跟我妈说我觉得我是个女孩儿想要她把我当成女儿，可是她没把我当回事。那时候她还骗了我，给我留下了创伤。（这件事我就不想多说了。）我十六岁才知道变性是什么。中间痛苦了很久，也不知道多少次不想活下去了。我也看到那时候十六岁刚开始有点打扮成女生的样子拍的照片，可是那是父母不接受。我那时候忧郁的拍出来的照片装个笑脸都装不出来。😭 我开始用雌性激素以后就不一样了，那个笑是真的，我那年拍了好多自拍啊！后来过了几年又没有拍太多了，一直到疫情中间我减了肥，又拍了好多自拍啊。😂 我还看到那时候二零零八到二零零九年的时候钓了好多鱼，有时候每天跑一个地方钓鱼。我妈再说她和爸以为可以帮我忧郁症好一点。我现在看着都有点恶心了。我那时候杀生杀了很多，一直都是有点可怜那些鱼的。现在我吃素了，所以不杀生了。有可能一部分也是那时候的记忆有把我推回来又变成佛教徒了。这几天感觉好像这么多年从新过了一遍，有好的记忆也有坏的记忆，就是坏的记忆比较多。。。
I think I finished sorting all of my old photos these past few days. I also cried a lot. Some of the earliest photos are from 2005. There are a ton of memories in them. The first time I came out to my mom, I was 3 and still in China. I told her I felt I'm a girl and I wanted her to treat me as if I'm her daughter. She didn't take me seriously. In fact she lied to me and left me with trauma. (I don't want to elaborate on this anymore.) I didn't know what being transgender was until I was 16. I suffered a lot during that time, and even thought about not wanting to live a lot. I can see photos from when I'm 16 when I first started really dressing up as a female, but my parents wouldn't accept me. I was so depressed back then, I couldn't even fake a smile. 😭 Once I started hormone pills, I started smiling for real, and I shot so many selfies! A while after that, the selfies died down. Then after that, during the pandemic, I started taking a ton of selfies again after I lost a ton of weight. 😂 I also saw so many fishing photos from 2008 to 2009, sometimes our family went to a different spot to fish every day. My mom told me that she and my dad thought it might help with my depression. I feel a bit nauseous just looking at them now. I killed so much life back then, and I always felt a bit bad for the fish. I'm now a vegetarian, so I no longer kill animals. Maybe a small part of me coming back to Buddhism was because of those memories. These past few days has me feeling like I've been reliving all those years all over again, with good memories and bad memories, but unfortunately most of it was bad...
